Day 9 of 35
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A blog dedicated to the popular mobile game, The Simpsons: Tapped Out
The focus of this update was the character Rainier Wolfcastle, who is essentially a parody of the actor Arnold Schwarzenegger. Thankfully this story line involved several characters in Springfield, making it a bit more engaging than some other quests. Still though, Wolfcastle is a fairly minor player as far as characters go.
If you’re looking to get bit more out of this character, for 120 donuts you can purchase the Film Set which unlocks the McBain costume. Hopefully they will do more with the character in the future. How cool would it be for him to get a Radioactive Man costume, and for Milhouse to get a Fallout Boy costume?
Quimby: Er, um, Mr. Burns, I’m worried that at the rate we’re rebuilding, erm, Springfield is heading for social unrest.
Quimby: We’re running out of space to put our citizens. We keep building restaurants but we still don’t have any garbage service.
Quimby: And I receive a lot of complaints that it’s too difficult to find people when they’re walking around.
Smithers: The Mayor may be right, sir. There already is a woman who keeps complaining about “something”. Eventually that “something” could turn into something.
Mr. Burns: We need to scrounge up some celebrity pap to dangle in front of the town like shinny keys. Call Bumblebee Man and tell him we need a nip slip pronto!
Smithers: I’m not sure he’ll do another one, sir. He said he needed to stop bringing so much shame to his family.
Mr. Burns: Ugh. Catholics. If they’re not denying shame, they’re making it up.
Quimby: A former political rival of mine has, uh, hit hard times. I would be happy to offer him up for ridicule as he tries to cling to his fame.
Wolfcastle: Did someone say fame? I must have it back! It is the only vay I can afford to do that thing where food goes in my mouth.
Wolfcastle: Thank you for building me this enormous mansion. After Maria told me to leave, I have been forced to wander from luxury hotel to luxury hotel.
Wolfcastle: The only bottles of alcohol I could get were very tiny.
Mr. Burns: That’s not all we got you.
Mr. Burns: You’re now hosting a reality TV show so your tremendous Teutonic talents can once again distract the good people of Springfield.
Mr. Burns: Oh, that’s just my way of saying “entertain”.
Wolfcastle: TV for Wolfcastle. If I am to be in front of cameras, I must take this flabby coal body and turn it hard as a diamond.
Krusty: Hey Brockman, you better not be here for “America’s Laziest Premises”. Hosting a reality competition was the crap job I was born for.
Brockman: I don’t know anything about that terrible reality program where ordinary people are judged on who has the best idea for a terrible reality program.
Wolfcastle: Oh hello there, Krampy and Vhite-Haired Guy.
Wolfcastle: Have you come to audition for my fantastic new unscripted series? We are still looking for desperate contestants to exploit.
Krusty: You’re the host?! I’m six times the star as Steroid Hitler! Looks like I have to remind Springfield who’s the true big shot in this ‘burg.
Brockman: Pass me over for work, will they? Well, they picked the wrong fear-baiting sensationalist to slight.
Brockman: Tonight’s shocking headline – “Reality TV: Threat or Menace… or Atrocity?”
Mr. Burns: Excellent.
Mr. Burns: These celeb-fed nimrods are flapping their bleached gums about nonsensical drivel, while any issue of substance is as forgotten as that dance that preceded the Charleston.
Mr. Burns: Time to lighten my pockets on a little nuclear-fueled stroll.
Cletus: Thanks you kindly for visitin’ my humble, alcohol-growing farm. I think you’ll find lots of that ratin’ generatin’ drama ’round here.
Wolfcastle: Vhite trash are good for funny laugh at. It is the comedy of knowing I am better than you.
Cletus: Follow me around, and yud get the reals story… on things ya don’t care about. I call the show “What Dat Badger Doin’ Dere?”
Wolfcastle: I enjoy this, because your accent is veird and your physical appearances bizarre. That statement carries no irony.
Wiggum: Excuse me, sir, but we’ve received a report of a 5-22 in this area…
Wiggum: That’s the crime of not putting the chief of police on your TV program.
Wolfcastle: Police Person Viggums, I like how you are a police person who plays by his own rules. It reminds me of me when I am McBain!
Wolfcastle: Is your idea for “America’s Laziest Premises” about a gritty, violence-packed law show?
Wiggum: I was thinking more like a gritty, violence-packed food show.
Wiggum: I actually got my idea while sleep eating! It’s literally the food show of my dreams.
Wolfcastle: Another cooking competition… I already like how lazy it is.
Wiggum: It would be like Top Chef meets Survivor meets the chili cook-off I always win.
Wolfcastle: This sounds great, especially the part you did not think of. I will shoot this at El Chemistri.
Wolfcastle: For what is the point of having a reality show, if I can’t get important chefs to feed me free food.
Wolfcastle: Hideous fat man, come back with my dinner!
Homer: But this is my idea for “America’s Laziest Premises.” It’s a prank show where every prank is that I steal someone’s meal and eat it.
Wolfcastle: I warn you, that chili pepper is Wolfcastle strength. An average lard ball like yourself won’t have the intestinal strength to survive.
Homer: I’ve eaten a whole saltlick before in one sitting at that stable. I think I can handle one little pepper.
Skinner: Excuse me, Mr. Burns, but I have a teacher who is trying to unionize for better pay and benefits.
Skinner: I fear she could succeed in uniting everyone, since she is the only teacher we have.
Mr. Burns: Ah, you want to borrow my guy to spay your Norma Rae. Wolfcastle, come here a momentiola.
Mrs. Krabappel: Skinner, I need real health insurance.
Mrs. Krabappel: I’m tired of using anatomy lessons to crowd-source diagnoses from the students. And their prescriptions are never strong enough!
Wolfcastle: Mrs. Krabappel, put down your protest sign, and behold human perfection! BEHOLD WOLFCASTLE!
Mrs. Krabappel: If this is the new health plan, I’ll let this Austrian Adonis take my temperature any day. HA!
Brockman: I’ve been spreading hyperbolic panic, and still Wolfcastle is hogging the limelight.
Brockman: It’s time I escalate this media war from conventional to guerilla.
Brockman: Get ready for the viralest video of all time, world… because Kent Brockman is going to rant into a webcam!
Wolfcastle: I see you are trying to cyber-bully me, Brockman. So I am here to real-bully you.
Brockman: *gulp* I’m sure we can settle this dispute with a peaceful dialogue.
Wolfcastle: Yes, we could. But what is the fun in that? I recommend taking a calcium supplement now, so your bones heal faster.
Brockman: By any chance, you wouldn’t once again fall for the old “your laces are untied” bit, would you?
Wolfcastle: Vhut about my laces?
Wolfcastle: On closer inspection, these still are loafers.
Carl: Today’s finally the day we stand up to Mr. Burns and demand a safer plant. And what perfect weather to picket for a strike.
Lenny: Yeah, almost too perfect. Do we want to spend such a nice day all angry and yelling?
Lenny: Especially when we might miss the latest gossip about this Wolfcastle/Brockman media feud! I’m Team Brockman…
Carl: and I’m Team Wolfcastle. Hey, instead of striking, let’s go to Moe’s and watch celebrities bicker on TV
Moe: Thanks so much for having me on your show, Mr. Wolfcastle. Usually, I’m told cameras can’t take the exposure to the ol’ Szyslak kisser.
Wolfcastle: Don’t worry. We set up a system of mirrors to protect our equipment. Now tell us your idea, so we may film you, and judge you later.
Moe: The title of my show is “The Sleezeball.” It’d be a dating show where I date any lady willing to sign the release forms.
Moe: I figure their craving to be on TV will work like a legal roofie.
Wolfcastle: You disgust me, but in a vay I vant to vatch. But I use my “Vild Card” to change the idea so we get fewer lawsuits.
Wolfcastle: You’ll scare couples on a date by being you, and document yourself doing it.
Wolfcastle: It will be like Ghost Hunters, except you are your own ghost that you hunt.
Moe: Eh, that sounds fine too. Either way, I’ll meet new people.
Bart: Mom, you’ve got to help me find a way to get you on Wolfcastle’s reality show!.
Marge: I’m sorry, Bart. But I’m very busy today.
Bart: What are you talking about? You’re a mom — you’re never busy.
Marge: Hmmmm. Maybe if you saw a day in my life, you’d understand how difficult being a mom really is.
Bart: Wow. Real housewives are a lot more boring than Real Housewives.
Smithers: Mr. Wolfcastle, Mr. Burns has another dignity-lowering assignment for you.
Wolfcastle: Vhat does that vithered pigeon tendon vant now?
Mr. Burns: I booked you for an interview with Kent Brockman!
Mr. Burns: I haven’t seen a public quarrel with this rancorous since the front-page feud between an aging Douglas Fairbanks and that upstart Rin Tin Tin.
Mr. Burns: We must keep this vapid controversy at full boil.
Mr. Burns: Between that and the hoopla over your brainless show, no one has time to pay attention to anything important.
Wolfcastle: If that is vhat you vant, then that is vhat Volfcastle vill do.
Wolfcastle: Ugh. I should really try to word my sentences without so many W’s in them.
Wolfcastle: I vas vonce the greatest movie star in the vorld. Now I am a henchman for that brittle nuclear baron, Mr. Burns.
Wolfcastle: Have I become as delusional as the vimps and veakoids on my pathetic unscripted program, clutching at celebrity?
Wolfcastle: Comic Book Person imagines an audience for “Comic Book Man” vhere a nerd talks nerd-talk.
Wolfcastle: Elderly Skinner lady believes her attitude vould make “Sassy Mamas” a hit.
Wolfcastle: That Viggums boy doesn’t get that on “Little Wiggy Poo Poo” he vould just be showing off that he is a tubby idiot.
Wolfcastle: All dream people vant to see their sad lives. Yet do I act any wiser?
Wolfcastle: I am being mocked across entertainment platforms.
Wolfcastle: I have become a rock hard, finely sculpted punchline! Rainier Volfcastle: that is the joke.
Wolfcastle: Ugh, vhy Volfcastle, vhy are you doing these hollow, vorthless jobs? I must go home and hide from my disappointments.
Wolfcastle: You are cancelling ‘America’s Laziest Premises’? But it hasn’t even aired!
Wolfcastle: How could all the footage be unusable? I am screaming in more than 80% of it! THAT ALWAYS VORKS!
Wolfcastle: They hung up on me.
Wolfcastle: I vill take out my fury on the iron I pump. For I swear vengeance on you, TV netvorks of Springfield! This is not the end of VOLFCASTLE!
Wolfcastle: I told you that vas not the end. And vant to tell you, Mr. Burns, I am done being your lackey!
Mr. Burns: What are you going to do, you jobless, slab-necked oaf? Go into politics so you can freeload off the government?
Wolfcastle: The publicity from Brockman has made me famous again. And vith no TV show, I am free to do films.
Wolfcastle: My agents already set me up to direct and star in “Death Grandpas.”
Wolfcastle: I play a former Navy SEAL who must protect a retirement community from terrorists and long-haired teenagers.
Wolfcastle: The movie costs $80 million so far, and hasn’t even been written. Film is truly the hack work of kings!