Everyone in Springfield is guilty until proven innocent, unless of course you work for the mob, in which case you’re in the clear. This five part quest involves almost every citizen in your town! No one is safe from the corrupt Springfield Police, not even the youth. It’s going to get awfully crowded at the Springfield Penitentiary.
Crackdown Pt. 1
Make Wiggum Go on a Stake Out
Wiggum: Don’t you find that people are less likely to commit crimes around us because we’re men?
Lou: I think they’re less likely to because we’re cops.
Wiggum: No really, I think I’m onto something here. Which is why I’ve decided that tonight, I’m going undercover as a woman!
Eddie: Actually, you’ve been doing that a lot, Chief. I’d been meaning to talk to you about that…
Wiggum: What? Does it not look good on me? My colorist said I’m a fall, but I think I’m more of an autumn.
Crackdown Pt. 2
Make Criminals Serve Time
Wiggum: All right, boys, Quimby texted me to say good work, but that we still have a lower arrest rate than Detroit.
Wiggum: And they don’t even have police there anymore.
Lou: But Chief, who do we arrest? We’ve already nailed the people who’ve actually committed crimes.
Wiggum: I heard the word “actually” in there, Lou. Let’s change that.
Apu: While I consider this arrest unjust, I will confess that a night in jail is preferable to taking care of eight small children.
Barney: I love jail. Prison wine is a better than Moe’s beer and I don’t get beat up after I pass out.
Mr. Burns: What ho, hoosegow-mates! Shall we all go take a gander at the strongmen in the outdoor gymnasium?
Cletus: An inside outhouse what’s got a sink on top of it? Free orange clothes? This is the fanciest place I’s ever been in!
Comic Book Guy: This is infinitely worse than the Negative Zone Prison Alpha operated by S.H.I.E.L.D. I demand to see your Tony Stark!
Dr. Hibbert: I’m telling you, it wasn’t a drug deal! I gave the Chester the money to fix my shed.
Dr. Nick: Hi, everybody! Free plastic surgery in exchange for protecting me on the inside.
Duffman: Duffman is being approached by seven dudes with tattoos on their faces. Oh, no!
Professor Frink: If you might permit me to access my Frink-O-Pod, I can travel back in time to prevent the crime from ever being committed.
Grampa: Why? I didn’t kill nobody or steal nothing or sell my pills to those bullies for a dollar a pop like I did in that dream.
Homer: I thought Free-to-Play meant I could just take the phone from the myPhone store.
Kent Brockman: You cannot subdue the media!
Edna: Overcrowding, dangerous occupants, horrible food – I’ll go anywhere as long as it’s not back to that school.
Krusty: I can’t be in jail — I’m a celebrity! What if no one recognizes me?!
Rev. Lovejoy: Lord, I’ve been in your service for fifteen years. I’ve prayed to you every day.
Luigi: Thrown in jail like-a spaghetti on-a a wall. And-a my only crime is being a cultural stereotype-a!
Marge: I know that I didn’t come to a complete stop at that stop sign, but our car’s transmission falls out when you do that.
Moe: I get put in the slammer for an illegal U-turn? Well ain’t that a laugh. You should see what I got in my basement!
Hans Moleman: I accidentally tunneled my way INTO jail?! Ohhhhhh.
Ned: Just to be clear, roomie, you’d like me to point this soap that’s been carved to looked like a gun at the guard when he brings dinner?
Otto: That was not weed, man! It was oregano for my oregano brownies. Hey, you want a lid of Bob Marley Hawaiian Skunk oregano?
Quimby: Outside these walls I’m the mayor. Inside them, I, er, seem to be a ring girl for Mexican mafia yard fights.
Hank Scorpio: My dear officers, when I get out, I’ll double your salaries to come work for me, and we’ll take over the world!
Sideshow Mel: I have started a Theatricum Prisonicum! But Snake was cast as Hamlet instead of me, so now I am boycotting the Theatricum Prisonicum!
Skinner: Call the school and anyone will tell you that this must be a Bart Simpson prank
Smithers: My name is C. Montgomery Burns. I’m one hundred and fifteen years old and I’m ready to serve my time.
Snake: I was fine with prison overcrowding when it was hardcore criminals… but all these moms, dads, doctors, and teachers is cruel and unusual punishment!
Wiggum: Hey! I was just cleaning out this cell and the door locked behind me.
Willie: I had me choice of roommate between a Mexican gang killer and an Englishman who jaywalked. Jose and I are getting along just dandy.
Mr. Burns: Why are you pointing that dangerously sharp toothbrush at me?
Dr. Nick: I can make you look like George Clooney… although sometimes it comes out like Rosemary Clooney. But any Clooney is good, right?
Professor Frink: Plus that will allow the writer who agreed to write all these prison jokes to say no!
Grampa: Wait, who took my pills and why do I have all these dollars?
Rev. Lovejoy: Would it be too much to ask you to listen to me just once and get me out of this friggin’ stinkhole?!
Ned: And he knows that this is a joke? Well, I do love jokes!
Hank Scorpio: Are these potatoes peeled well enough, because I can have at them again if you’d like.
Skinner: So you can forget that strip search that you’re about to… doooooooooooooooo!
Wiggum: Hello? Funny mistake because we all know how cops get treated in prison. Oh God.
Crackdown Pt. 3
Make Youth Serve Time
Wiggum: Great work, boys! We’ve made more arrests this week than in the entire history of the S.P.D.
Lou: But, Chief, we haven’t gone after the big fish, like Fat Tony.
Wiggum: You know I’d like a big arrest, but have you ever talked to that guy? Very menacing-sounding.
Wiggum: So instead we’re going to round up this list of repeat offenders from the Springfield School system.
Bart: Whoa, this is like Scared Straight… but without the tutoring and talks from mentors. I could get used to this!
Kearney: I keep telling you people, I’m not a kid! I HAVE a kid. Take him instead!
Lisa: I’m following in the footsteps of Nelson Mandela and Benazir Bhutto. I wonder if they missed their Malibu Stacy dolls too?
Martin: Improbably, prisoners have women interested in marrying them. So now finally there is hope for me!
Milhouse: I wasted my one phone call, but I had to vote on America’s Top Runway Model!
Nelson: Prison? Wow, I kind of jumped right to the end of my life story. Oh well, at least I got to skip a lot of boring stuff.
Ralph: This camp smells hurty.
Squeaky-Voice Teen: Can I put this on my resume as an internship?
Crackdown Pt. 4
Make Brockman Go in for Questioning
Kent Brockman: This is Kent Brockman reporting.
Kent Brockman: Abuse of police power has reached epidemic proportions.
Kent Brockman: It seems that no one is safe from their persecution, not even our clergymen, our upstanding citizens, our children…
Wiggum: Our newsmen.
Kent Brockman: Exactly! Wait, what?
Wiggum: Just finishing your sentence. Which is funny, because we’re going to get you started on a new kind of sentence right now!
Crackdown Pt. 5
Make Lou Teach Reform School
Make Bart Attend Reform School
Make Milhouse Attend Reform School
Wiggum: Okay, so maybe arresting a bunch of kids and throwing them into a dangerous prison didn’t work out as well as I thought it would.
Lou: We should get those kids out of jail before anything terrible happens.
Wiggum: You’re right. Like missing their social studies unit at school.
Wiggum: I hear that it’s about the Pueblo Indians and they deserve all the attention they can get.
Lou: I don’t know if they’re so great.
Lou: They lived in the same kind of adobe huts for hundreds of years while people in Europe were building castles.
Wiggum: They were happy, Lou! Isn’t that more important than having a tile roof? Geez!
Wiggum: Now get those kids in reform school and make sure they learn about the Pueblo!
Continues with Springfield Confidential Pt. 2 – 7